"As parents, what role should we play in planning our gay son's wedding day?"

Our son recently told us that he and his partner plan to get married next summer. We’re very happy for them. As both our straight sons are married, we know the drill about what parents-in-law do in that situation. But we’re not so sure here. Do we call our in-laws and set up a meeting? Do our sons do this? Also, we hear that our counterparts are not as thrilled as we are about this news. Where do we start?

Gay wedding manners haven’t evolved to this level of detail yet. As you know from your past experiences, traditional etiquette suggests that the families get to know each other or at least extend a welcome gesture as an expression of support for the impending union. Usually, it’s been the bride’s family that kicks things off, although that doesn’t apply here either, of course.

I suggest you chat with your “sons” (it’s great you’re referring to your son’s partner this way!) and get their thinking on this matter, especially since it sounds like the partner’s family may have issues about the impending marriage. If given the okay, then go ahead and call, write, or e-mail your in-laws-to-be. If they live nearby, invite them over. Otherwise, just use the opportunity to open the door and say how happy you are about the news. If there’s any resistance on their end, let’s hope your enthusiasm rubs off.