"Do we pay for our grown son's wedding?"

My husband and I are retired, with two grown children. Our daughter got married 10 years ago, and we paid for most of that wedding — we’d been saving for it since she was born! Now our 36-year-old son is planning a wedding to his partner of many years. We’re delighted for them, but we don’t know what’s expected of us. We didn’t plan on paying for a second wedding, and we’re in no position to do so. And what’s the role of mother and father of the grooms in a gay wedding, anyway? Does Dad actually have to give our son away? My husband might find that a little embarrassing!

How wonderful for your son to be planning a wedding, and how considerate of you to be thinking about your involvement. The good news is that there are few set rules about gay weddings, so the grooms-to-be will likely be thinking outside the metaphoric box as they make their plans. Your only required role is to provide them with your love and support, which I am sure they will fully appreciate.

At 36, I doubt your son is assuming that Mom and Dad will pay for his wedding. As is often the case with gays and lesbians, the betrothed couple is likely to foot the bill themselves. You may offer a gift to help them; perhaps you’ll cover the cost of the flowers or host the rehearsal dinner the night before, but you’re under no obligation to overextend yourselves financially (especially now that you’re retired). The same goes for your son’s future in-laws. Like any responsible couple, they should plan a wedding that’s within their total budget.

Your son and his fiancé will also have to decide the details of their ceremony, and they’ll probably be inviting certain people to participate as attendants, readers, singers, or witnesses. In many gay weddings, lifelong friends fill some roles traditionally assigned to family – that’s to recognize the important relationships LGBT folks form as they come out and establish their gay identities. Try not to start with any preconceived notions about roles, and let your son make the request if he’d like you to participate. Then try to be amenable to what he asks (within reason, of course).

By the way, your husband needn’t stress about walking your son down the aisle; it seems unlikely that a 36-year-old fellow will need to be “given away” by his dad. Your son and his groom will probably be happy just to have you present and participating, since some gay weddings take place without supportive family in attendance.