“Can a sperm donor be considered a ‘dad’?”

My oldest daughter is now 18 and is going to meet her sperm donor soon. My partner wants her to call him “bio dad,” but I think that’s ridiculous. He’s never met her — how can we even think about him being a “dad”? Who do you think is right?

A: I don’t think it really matters what either of you prefer for your daughter to call her sperm donor; that’s entirely up to her and the nature of the relationship that develops between them (or doesn’t). But I am glad that you chose a donor who agreed ahead of time to meet with his biological offspring when she came of age, giving your daughter the option to initiate contact with him through the sperm bank.

Rather than arguing with each other about what your daughter call her sperm donor, I’d suggest you use your time and energy to help your young lady think through the kind of relationship she might want with this fellow. Urge her to be realistic, and remind her that she might be in for a letdown. Disappointment can come in many flavors, such as that experienced by the two teens in The Kids Are All Right, who learned that their sperm donor (the handsome but quirky Mark Ruffalo) was a real person with real flaws.

As with any relationship, this one will take time and patience if it’s to succeed. In the end, your daughter may decide that she does, in fact, want to refer to him as “dad” — or she may wind up not referring to him at all.